Resolving Conflict God’s Way: Week 3 – Gently Restore

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Conflict is an inevitable part of life. Whether it happens in the workplace, in our families, or with friends, disagreements and misunderstandings will happen whether intentional or not, often causing hurt and frustration. As Christians, we are called not merely to avoid conflict but to handle it in a way that glorifies God and builds up those involved. In this post, based on Week 3 of our Resolving Conflict God’s Way sermon series, we’ll explore the third of the “Four G’s of Reconciliation” from Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker—“Gently Restore.” Read on to explore how to engage in reconciliation with gentleness and love, keeping Christ’s example at the center.

The Call to Reconciliation

Before we delve into the specifics of restoration, it's crucial to establish the foundation for why reconciliation matters. The goal of reconciliation is to restore relationships, not just to resolve issues. We see this in the Bible’s consistent call to reconcile with one another, as well as in the life and ministry of Jesus, who was the ultimate peacemaker.

In Matthew 5:23–24 (ESV), Jesus tells us, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Jesus prioritizes reconciliation even over our church time. Why? Because people — and, therefore relationships — matter to God. When we neglect reconciliation, we not only hurt ourselves and others, but we also damage our witness to the world as followers of Jesus.

However, as we all know, reconciliation can be difficult, especially when feelings are raw or misunderstandings have lingered for a long time. In these moments, we need to remember that God’s Word doesn’t just call us to reconcile — it provides the framework for how to do so in a way that reflects Christ’s love and gentleness.

Preparation: Checking Three Relationships

Before diving into the process of gentle restoration, it’s important to prepare ourselves spiritually and emotionally. The first step in reconciliation involves self-examination in three key areas: our relationship with God, ourselves, and the other party involved in the conflict.

Relationship with God: Glorify God The first and most important goal in any conflict is to glorify God. Every conflict is, first and foremost, an opportunity to honor God by reflecting His character. It’s easy to get caught up in defending ourselves or trying to “win” the argument, but when we approach conflict with the mindset that our ultimate goal is to glorify God, everything changes. We recognize that we are called to represent Christ, who showed us perfect love, mercy, and gentleness in the midst of the greatest injustice.

Proverbs 16:7 (ESV) tells us, “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” This doesn’t mean we can control how the other person responds, but we can trust that God is at work in our efforts, even if we don’t immediately see the results. Our responsibility is to follow Christ’s example, and we trust that God is sovereign over the situation.

Relationship with Myself: Get the Log Out The second relationship to examine is our relationship with ourselves. We must be ready to take responsibility for our part in the conflict without blaming, minimizing, or deflecting. Jesus teaches in Matthew 7:3–5 (ESV), “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

Taking the log out of our own eye means acknowledging our own mistakes, even if we feel justified in our actions. It requires honesty and humility to admit where we may have been wrong or where we could have handled things better. This doesn’t mean we’re responsible for the entire conflict, but we are responsible for how we respond, how we speak, and how we behave. Self-awareness is key to gentle restoration.

Relationship with the Other Party: Gently Restore The third relationship is our relationship with the other party involved in the conflict. The goal here is to gently restore the person, not to condemn or criticize them. This is where the rubber meets the road. In Galatians 6:1 (ESV), Paul writes, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” The goal is restoration—not punishment.

To restore gently means to approach the other person with love, not with an agenda to prove them wrong or to assert our superiority. This is hard to do, especially when we feel hurt or wronged. But when we remember how Jesus gently restored us, it becomes possible. Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world, but to save it (John 3:17). As followers of Christ, we are called to do the same.

Gently Restoring: Practical Steps

So, how do we gently restore relationships? The Bible provides several key principles for navigating difficult conversations with grace and humility.

1. Speak the Truth in Love — Ephesians 4:15 (ESV) says, “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” Speaking the truth in love means that we don’t shy away from difficult conversations, but we approach them with a heart that desires the good of the other person. Truth without love can be harsh and hurtful, but love without truth can be misleading and avoidant. Avoiding truth or neglecting love will sabotage the attempt at resolving the conflict. Both are necessary for effective reconciliation.
    
2. Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood — Stephen Covey’s famous principle from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People echoes biblical wisdom: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” In the context of reconciliation, this means listening more than speaking. James 1:19–20 (ESV) tells us, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Listening is not just about hearing words — it’s about understanding the other person’s perspective. Once you’ve listened carefully, you’re in a better position to speak the truth in love and work toward reconciliation. If it’s a particularly difficult conflict, your criteria for moving forward is that you should be able to explain what the other is thinking and feeling to their satisfaction. Then they should be able to explain what you are thinking and feeling to your satisfaction.
    
3. Use “I” Statements — When it’s time to express how we feel, using “I” statements can help prevent the conversation from becoming accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always do this,” try saying, “I feel hurt when this happens.” This approach focuses on your feelings and your experience rather than placing blame on the other person. Here’s the formula: I feel __________ when you ________ because __________. As a result, _____________. And here’s an example: I feel  hurt  when you are  late for dinner  because you aren’t keeping your word to me . As a result, I feel like I’m not important to you.
    
4. Recognize Your Limits — Sometimes, reconciliation is more complicated than we can handle on our own. There is no shame in seeking help when necessary. Whether it’s through counseling, mediation, or pastoral support, recognizing your limits and asking for assistance can be a wise step in restoring a relationship.
    
5. Bathe the Conversation in Grace — Finally, it’s essential to bathe the entire conversation in grace. Remember that reconciliation is not about “winning” the argument or getting the last word. It’s about mutual respect, understanding, and a desire for peace. Grace is about giving the other person room to grow, to make mistakes, and to be human. It’s also about extending forgiveness, even when it’s difficult.

Conclusion

In the third week of our series Resolving Conflict God’s Way, we’ve learned that reconciliation requires preparation, humility, and a heart committed to gently restoring relationships. As followers of Christ, we are called not just to resolve conflicts but to do so in a way that honors God, takes responsibility for our own actions, and seeks the good of the other person. This isn’t easy, but with God’s help, we can follow Christ’s example and become instruments of His peace in a divided world.